happiness-believer

Apart from listing goals and expectation for 2021, i would prefer reflecting 2020 more. Who knows it could be a tragedy, a rollercoaster ride for happiness-believer of pia. They said be careful what you wish for. In the beginning of 2020, I wish to be in peace. How to be calm in a busy situation, in a rough situation. I don't list it to be "a 2020 resolution". I don't trust planners, goals. To do list is quite functional for me. Planners and goals ruined me. It feels like a burden to achieve each one of them, no one told me to, but I feel the need to. So, this time, this wish is just spontaneous. It's okay if I didn't achieve that. Little that I know that I was already buying tickets for this roller coaster ride. 

Thought I have it all during the start. It was easy during the start, but I feel incomplete. Maybe I was, but I learn to appreciate it when everything is gone. Ruining everything, I feel the need of positivity. Shutting out the negativity, despite the MCO going on, I continue to search something new to fill up my confidence tank. Confidence lead to positivity. I learn to speak well, I learn about dressing up, I worked out daily. Reading self help book just to change perspective. It was cool during the start. when MCO ended, we need to continue our daily routine.

That's when it hit me. During July, I cried almost daily, feeling lifeless, feeling life sucked out of me. The never ending negativity. It was so wrong to ignore during the start. Now it hit me. I don't know where to fix, where to start. Life works that way isn't it? I need time to understand, the life meaning. I stopped doing my routine. I hide in the shadow of myself. I understand that everything can't be fix with happiness. October was the climax. I didn't expect to feel happy. I expect it to be the worse. And it's the worst. Barely make it thru, I cried almost everyday for two weeks. They said crying heals. I didn't feel it.

Time do fix me. I started to understand, started to forgive me, months later.

Then, in November, I let go of everything that feels heavy. It was a process, not a permanent at once. You met people for a reason. I will always be looking for inspiration to build myself.

One day, I will feel complete.

So today, Listing out things I am so grateful for

1. To have me
2. To every person that came into my life
3. To my health, Could you imagine I am not afraid of heights anymore. I didn't feel the gravity is taking me
4. To my ambitious and adventurous self

My achievements

1. I can talk and review things, It was a good start
2. I learn to communicate
3. I am now active doing my workout routine (even it was not consistent)
4. I feel the increasing of confidence (sis can do OOTD now!)
5. I can write in Malay, phew sis
6. I did yoga for a month, flexing rn!
7. Clear skin! (not entirely but it was okay)
8. I did zipline, and that adventure thingy

I could try to do hiking next year. Someone inspired me to.

Process that I do for communication. I tell my friends on instagram, about anything. At first, I was so shy, but then I like doing that. Then, when I went for PPG, I met this clerk. I started to talk when I asked what did he buy from shopee. And it begins as a friendship. Last day there I almost cried, they were appreciating me, I started to feel the existence of me.

There was a time I ask Balqis, my friend, why do I always need to try new things to feel confident. She said, I already am confident. I was just tired. I was very tireless this year. Maybe I could learn to take a break for a little while.

There was a time, Kiki and Mok sent a birthday present to me. There was a card stating "Just remember, you are never alone. You are loved by many. We will always be there for you." I was touched I cried the whole day. It was the exact words that needed. True friends do exist and they know what you need isn't it?

And who could expect, I am now a good friend of my enemy, Ayin. Another things I am grateful for. Turns out she was really nice kind hearted always looking out for me, my well being. We agreed to not fight anymore.

And I got friends who actively building me up. Sometimes, we run together. advice each other. Thank you dayah <3 She always support me.

I got to know a friend who was broken hearted from past relationship. People do have it worse than me.

Thank you old friend. We don't talk daily, but it was good too! to have you.

Thank you mazni and alia for being such a good listener.

And you too, the one reading this.

I got so much to be grateful for. Maybe this year I am not doing much academically. Everything was so imperfect this year, and I am thankful for that.

Thank you 2020. Thank you Pia.