happiness-believer
Apart from listing goals and expectation for 2021, i would prefer reflecting 2020 more. Who knows it could be a tragedy, a rollercoaster ride for happiness-believer of pia. They said be careful what you wish for. In the beginning of 2020, I wish to be in peace. How to be calm in a busy situation, in a rough situation. I don't list it to be "a 2020 resolution". I don't trust planners, goals. To do list is quite functional for me. Planners and goals ruined me. It feels like a burden to achieve each one of them, no one told me to, but I feel the need to. So, this time, this wish is just spontaneous. It's okay if I didn't achieve that. Little that I know that I was already buying tickets for this roller coaster ride.
Thought I have it all during the start. It was easy during the start, but I feel incomplete. Maybe I was, but I learn to appreciate it when everything is gone. Ruining everything, I feel the need of positivity. Shutting out the negativity, despite the MCO going on, I continue to search something new to fill up my confidence tank. Confidence lead to positivity. I learn to speak well, I learn about dressing up, I worked out daily. Reading self help book just to change perspective. It was cool during the start. when MCO ended, we need to continue our daily routine.
That's when it hit me. During July, I cried almost daily, feeling lifeless, feeling life sucked out of me. The never ending negativity. It was so wrong to ignore during the start. Now it hit me. I don't know where to fix, where to start. Life works that way isn't it? I need time to understand, the life meaning. I stopped doing my routine. I hide in the shadow of myself. I understand that everything can't be fix with happiness. October was the climax. I didn't expect to feel happy. I expect it to be the worse. And it's the worst. Barely make it thru, I cried almost everyday for two weeks. They said crying heals. I didn't feel it.
Time do fix me. I started to understand, started to forgive me, months later.
Then, in November, I let go of everything that feels heavy. It was a process, not a permanent at once. You met people for a reason. I will always be looking for inspiration to build myself.
One day, I will feel complete.
So today, Listing out things I am so grateful for
- To have me
- To every person that came into my life
- To my health, Could you imagine I am not afraid of heights anymore. I didn't feel the gravity is taking me
- To my ambitious and adventurous self
- I can talk and review things, It was a good start
- I learn to communicate
- I am now active doing my workout routine (even it was not consistent)
- I feel the increasing of confidence (sis can do OOTD now!)
- I can write in Malay, phew sis
- I did yoga for a month, flexing rn!
- Clear skin! (not entirely but it was okay)
- I did zipline, and that adventure thingy
Hai saya sedang baca 😙
ReplyDeleteThank you babe <3
Delete🤍🤍🤍
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